I SPXAK THX LANGUAGX OF LOVX STRAIGHT INTO YOUR XAR
back to suffering
2018 - 2024
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Donostia - 2024 - Woman on the street
I saw a woman sitting outside a shop in the middle of the night.
She screamed and cried, intoxicated by what it seemed as pain.
I approached her hesitatingly to ask—only to tell me she needed nobody, wanted no one.
She thanked me as I almost said that I agree, that in the deepest horrors no one is ever enough—and that crying in the street isn't desperate but what everyone should be doing on a weekly basis if they had only a simple understanding of the world around them.
It wasn't empathy I was feeling—but as I sat on a bench ten meters away and heard her sobbing, it felt more like making peace with my own creeping dread.
The violence of emotions that shook her limbs was all so familiar that I almost wanted to thank her for recognising it. I left her alone as I walked back home.
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London - 2024 - Rules For a Rainy Day
1) Go to the museum barefoot
2) Smile to at least 10 strangers
3) Starve yoursef to exemplify the unbearable cost of living
4) Steal a book (or two)
5) Sit at the very back of a dark room and cry unnoticed
6) Order an oat late and read a book in Spanish
7) Get worked up at the price of coffee
8) Think about others peoples loneliness to mask your owh
9) Wish to be someone else, older or dead
10) Wait impatiently for the sun
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London - 2024 - Fake Solace
I find in the arms of men a solace that is unbeatable
as if i can hide all my fears between their arms
When they leave, my bed is mixed with cum and fears
there is a temporary shift of smell in the room
I change the bedsheets only to repeat
this dreadful, painful ceremony.
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London - 2024 - Honestly stuffed
I have a lot of great friends
but even greater anxiety
I cannot even write poems that ryme
I cannot even find the perfect dildo
Poetry is all about you
Honestly stuffed with food
I could be in a better place
but I am not
I could have a bigger imagination
But I do not
On top of this, there are tourists everywhere
I am smoking too many ciggaretes
I want a divorse from a relationship I do not have
A nervous cough
Why can’t I ever be satisfied
Only just before and after orgasming
and even so, only under the right armit.
Who are these people I do not care about?
I want to become everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to lie in my bed
Honestly stuffed with anxst
I recently met a man who did not drink or smoke
I asked him how he was not suffering
so bluntly faced with the sobriety of the world
It’s dry edges
Doesn’t he have a soul that bleeds?
Honestly stuffed with days
Stuffed with myself
Stuffed with your image between my legs as a distant faded memory
Stuck with myself
Stuck because it’s busy and cold and really not my city, really not my place.
I don’t always feel this way
But almost everyday.
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Pyrenees - 2024 - Bucket of fish
There is a great loneliness in you and me.
A bucket of overwhelmed fish, hermetically sealed.
We both try to open it at different times with various forces.
It stays unmoved to our efforts.
Undoubtedly, we both would like to see the fish,
check on their well-being,
maybe even feed them.
But I look at the sea and I know there is more fish and you go to the lake fishing.
Somewhere in between us there is a bucket of fish,
and it only exists because we are trying to open it.
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Donostia - 2024 - You are beans
I know I like funny people
Also that I should stop comparing you to everyone I meet
It’s easier to say than done
At least the rest are eating meat
I have never met anyone who can battle dreams
I see you at the kitchen table so vividly eating beans
I wake up wet
All day it lingers the unwanted remembrance of your sweat
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Greece - 2024 - Nobody warns a cicada that cannot fuck with a maggot
There is this love I like to give you
Like a caress on an old cat
Like jumping in the sea on a warm day
Like a quick kiss in the bar toilets
There is this love I want to give you
Like watering my plants
Like flowers to a sick friend
Like kissing my child goodnight
There is this love I have to give you
Like a seatbelt on the highway
Like extracting an aching tooth
Like donating my brother’s organs
There is this love I cannot give you
Like a plane that just got bombed
Like the gap where once a leg was
Like looking straight into the sun with my bare eyes
Of course it’s absolutely and totally unfair
Nobody warns a cicada that cannot fuck with a maggot
The one will make the other go deaf
It’s on the instructions of some forgotten manual
I kept in my kitchen drawer before it all got burnt
I don’t even know how such a singer like me
So brilliantly balanced in the joyful summer
Would even break my carefree song
and turn and look at you in a moment of forgetful focus
I liked your slow movement and your shy stares
The way you looked at me in the beggining
But then you turned into an ugly fly and vanished
This poem hasn’t changed and I am not very patient with impatient people
So stop thinking what you are thinking
This is a poem about love
A love I couldn’t share.
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London - 2024 - Feeling things
I feel things in my hands, my fingers and my feet all the way up to the back of my neck
I feel things inside my belly and up to my heart that it gets all warm and spills liquid that runs through my eyes
Every day the sun goes up and down and the spillage keeps my body moist
When people come near me they can smell a sense of far away oceans that reminds them of something strange and exotic
I have travelled these lands that we see in postcards with my arms and hips open
Rolled in varicoloured grasses
The smell tho, is just my tears.
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2021
The left side of the road
I am in the left side
The right side
Is the left side
The right side of the road
His footsteps clang on the floor
On his way down the pavement
He is right - I don’t look for more
No matter how bright the lights shine
It’s the little cut on my finger I will look at
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2019
Sometimes I think that the palm of my hand
Is your palm
I rest it on my bellybutton
Then I start to move it in small circles
And I hear my insights growling with pleasure
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2019
Cities like flames
Cities exploding
Cities like tsunamis
Cities collapse
Cities of my heart
Cities of people
Cities like weeping
They drive you in their core
Leaving you ashore
Cities with palm trees
Cities with rain
Cities that love you
Cities that pain
It’s you against them
Cities of fame
Tiny giant cities
Everywhere you look there’s buildings
Cities that rape and murder
Cities where first kisses unfold
Cities where you met a girl in a red dress
Cities you smoked and you fell naked on your bed
Cities where you were alone
Cities when you saw her gone
The stains on the beds remain
You look outside your window to the city
In vain.
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2019 - When I felt in love with Patrick
How these warm and friendly streets
Appear so blunt and distant
Kin faces with nice white smiles
Bore and leave me slumbering
I look in their eyes
But mine are empty
The churches are slowly fading colours
The shinny boulevards under this summer rain
Reflect my quivering
I feel so much older than everyone
So much heavier
I am not blue only at dusk
But a heavy dust falls on my hair
And I have to carry it with me everywhere
My gaze hunts for a worthy distraction
But keeps bumping into shadows
I don’t want to make you feel guilty
That you have once showed me the real colour of the world and now I cannot see it without you.
I am certain my eyes will soon adjust to the usual greyness of the everyday
(Beige atmospheric hues)
Fun will remain the same
And I will forget how when on top of you
I would close my eyes
And feel it all
As if nothing else existed
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2019
The moon shines over the Venetian castle
Full, complete
Why do you create this hustle ?
It shouts with a strong concrete sound
Don’t forget about your love
Don’t look on the ground
I put my sunglasses on
A memory that flies towards me
Lustful, painful and strong
I pick up my phone
I want to write to you,
It’s been so long
The impossibility of our happiness
Leaves me numb and alone
I would leave you in peace
If I could only find ease
In the bodies of others
In their embrace
Their fingers on my face
Fuck this
I need you
That’s why I write by myself
Cause you don’t have a clue
How your face keeps appearing
While I push it away with force
Trying to find a close
Between me and you
I have to understand it’s not a pause
I have accepted the cause
I know the effects
I just have to walk away
2018
If the meaning of life was 40
My hair would have the colour of grass
And the smell of rain
I would have a house in the mountains
Where I keep my books
And I show them to you
And you seem happy to visit my silence
And we stay there on the wooden floors
Happy and never hungry
If the meaning of life was 40
I would let you walk with me and greet the owls that are hidden in my garden
So we sit there underneath their eyes
Counting their shine in the darkest hours
Wishing we knew the meaning of life
If the meaning of life was 40
I would let you open the door that I keep shut in the upper floor
Where on a corner lay
stills of lives forgotten
And we look at ourselves with different hair and clothes and lovers
And they all show different truths and different meanings
And maybe you are scared
So I smile a warm lie
If the meaning of life was 40
I would have a large window
Lighting up the room where I draw
portraits of religious leaders
Than in my dreams turn up
As suffering faces that I hold
And you put your hand on the oils
And draw a smile on my face
If the meaning of life was 40
I would go to to the lake each morning
And the water would make my skin shiver
And my lips would turn red
Before I pick up Jasmine tea to put in silver tea pots
And have breakfast with eggs on toast and mushrooms that would be magic
And then I would walk you to the forest
Our hands sweaty and mouths dry
And we would see the realities of being
And realise that the meaning of life is not 40 anymore.
And maybe we are sad because when the meaning of life was 40
We were free in our own prison
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2018
My cheeks turned hot
A burning sensation,
And I holded my hand between my legs
I breathed in and then out and then in again
Your thought turned into sweat
And I hide my face under the duvet
I counted the times you came inside me
In my head
And it became a secret poem
I don't wish you were here cause it would be wrong
I think of your warmth instead and recreate it
Between the pillows ,
My hair tangled.
You will never appreciate this poem,
So shut my mouth and fuck me.
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2019
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2019
There is something ominous about this sun
Green lights , upward streets
Highways meeting freeways frequently
People’s homes on the sidewalks
You cannot walk in the large pavements
Other people’s gardens
Shady trees sometimes
Or else, flaming car tops accelerating
A lady with a red parasol
Walking up the hill
Closer to the sun; the ominous yellow sun
People are few
Scattered
Walking in front of giant backdrops
They smile
Almost like a crazy person smile
The museum in the distance
Like a safe place
It looks like you won’t reach it
You keep walking
Olive trees ?
Shade
An iced lemonade
Big and plastic
But cold , at least
You are at the bottom
And above you fifty floors of steel
The sunsets dive behind
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2018
Nobody will know if you watched one porn one time
Think of it as a documentary
It’s just a sexy documentary
It’s a sexy documentary
A hot doc
2016
There are some days
When the grey skies
Have adopted an ever darker face
And in it you can see your own
Mouth
Bleeding
Eye
Weeping
In those days inside you
A cockroach is moving
Taping
You forget
You remember then more intensively
When she moves
With her antennas proposed
Sliding
You fear that she will go
And leave your stomach empty
Of fear
Any emotion is accepted
Nothing is worse
Than fear
Nothing is worse than everything
You fear
Maybe nothing
Is what you fear
These days
You wish you had a sponge
To wipe them off
Sweep the clouds away
Sniff a line of K
To empty again
The grey to turn white
Lines
Clouds
Empty
Nothing
Fear is an emotion
Better than nothing
2016
Your arms
To look
To touch me right here
To hold me
In the place
Where breathing
Is impossible
And not important
At the place
Between your arms
Where odours are combined
After me and you
Become one
For a second
That feels like
An earthquake
Aged
Ready to blow
For years waiting
To explode
Explore
These arms
Holding me down
Safe
And free